Why I Don't Buy American Cars Anymore . . .

Happy New Year!

The response to my last Blog: "Crematoriums - A New Way to Speed Up Global Warming" was almost overwhelming! Today, I want to talk about cars . . .

The last time I bought a new American car was in 1984 when the new model Fiero GT came out with the V6 motor. It was a fun car to drive. It looked like you were sitting a a jet fighter cockpit. In the winter it warmed up fast, and with the engine weight on the back axle - I could plow through virtually any kind of snow. I had that car for three years and unfortunately had to sell it to go to University. While in University, I watched as the Fiero came to an end.

I think that when the Fiero ended - the demise of General Motors truly began. There was nothing to replace the Fiero. Soon thereafter, the Camaro and Firebird were gone too. As each model year would come and go, I would look at the changes to their current models and barely see any changes. GM's truck models stayed the same for years - same thing with the Corvette. People would have to point out the changes to me because they were so subtle or cosmetic and boring.

I would go to car shows and see a Chevrolet concept of a "new" version of the '55 Chev Bel Air. There were crowds around that car - there was excitement! There weren't crowds around any of the cars they were trying to sell. In December 1998, Hot Rod featured a new Camaro with the then as yet unseen Copper color. This car was beautiful! I was in my 30's then and every male I showed it to wanted to buy one. I even wrote GM to see how long I would have to wait to buy one. GM wrote me back denying any knowledge of the car, but my comments were important to them, blah, blah blah.

So, instead of building exciting cars that drew crowds - General Motors opted for the Aztec. I immediately determined that General Motors was no longer in the business of building cars that people actually wanted to drive. Someone in GM must have made up a rule that stated if a concept car creates any kind of excitement - it must be shelved. At GM, the Bezier curve was replaced with sharp origami angles.

For a while, I had to give Chrysler some credit. They would build an exciting concept car (the Prowler, the PT Cruiser, etc). Crowds would gather at the car shows around these cars - and then, Chrysler actually built them! They don't do that any more and are now in the same boat as GM. Their cars all look like their front ends were designed by International Harvester - and that's not a compliment.

Then, the movie Transformers came out featuring the "New" Camaro. This was a free, almost 2 hr. commercial for their concept car. Except, there was a problem. GM wasn't actually building the Camaro, and so couldn't take advantage of the significant boost the movie would have given them. Could you imagine people wanting to sign up for the Navy after watching Top Gun, and being told that actually the Navy didn't have any F14 Tomcat fighters . . . ?

I am currently driving a Kia Optima. It's a well-made, reliable car. My next car will be either a new Toyota Camry or a slightly used Lexus or Mercedes.

I have to give General Motors credit for coming out with a new Fiero (the Solstice). But I think it is too little-too late. By the way, any convertible being made now - should be a retractable hard top. In Canada, we have winter 8 months out of the year. Plus it's hard to slash the roof of a hard top.

Stay tuned for my next blog: "Chicklets - Do You Chew or Just
Nibble . . ?"

Comets & Cupid . . .

Greetings readers! I would have Blogged sooner - but I have been held up with all of the responses to my last Blog, "Sauerbraten: Light Snack - or Cure for Rickets . . ."

The other day a meteorite zoomed over where I live and lit up the whole sky. At least that’s what they tell me. You see, I never saw the heavenly orb as it streaked across the sky in a phoenix-like fashion. No – I was safely nested in my domicile – had just fed the cats and myself for that matter and had settled in for a night of tele and domestic bliss.

If this orb had been, say, the size of Bruderheim or, for my American readers – Chicago – the end of the world would have come and gone. After myself and my two cats succumbed to incineration – would we have just made the transition to Heaven – assuming I was a good boy and got to go there?

Interesting how folks were fascinated by the orb that lit up the sky, but don’t see it as the shape of things to come – much bigger things. It’s interesting how we can look at the same thing and see it so differently.

One time, when I worked at the cemetery, I remembered that it was Valentine’s Day and dropped my shovel; rushed from work to the florist; and proudly presented a nice bouquet of Freesias & Jonquils to my then girlfriend Susie (name changed so that I don’t get beat up). In my haste, I had forgotten to wash my hands and I still had grave dirt on them. When Susie noticed the dirt on my hands, she went ballistic and threw down my thoughtful bouquet of Freesias and Jonquils and then she demanded to see the receipt from the florist. Somehow, she had gotten into to her head that I had picked the flowers from the cemetery. I guess this supports my above theory of how people see things differently. For me, this was my last night with Susie. For her, maybe a new beginning? Susie was mean.

So what does this have to do with technology? Wouldn’t it be nice if we could invent a machine that would prevent things from going wrong? Sometimes, we think we have come up with a great idea (see cemetery story above) but when the idea or theory is tested out it blows up in your face – sort of like George W. Bush in the States . . .

I think it would be nice to have a machine to tell us what we don’t want to hear – because no one listens to people anymore . . .

That’s enough for this month – stay tuned for next month’s Blog: “Dove Soap: Not to be Taken Orally . . .”

Which Thanksgiving is Better?

Happy Thanksgiving fellow turkey lovers. I would have blogged earlier but I have been busy sifting through all of responses I have gotten from my last Blog: "Ghosts - are they real or is my cat Harry just messing with me . . ."

This has always been difficult for me because I also have American blood in me and of course the obvious question always comes up this time of year: Which Beatle was your favourite? I'm also asked which Thanksgiving is the real one? Well, until he died from that awful Ping-Pong accident - Paul was always my favourite.

As for Thanksgiving - a more thoughtful answer is required. Both involve the overeating of Turkey - and I am always in agreement with that. My American cousins serve theirs with biscuits, and dressin' and maybe a sweet potato pie for good measure.

Here, in the northern frontier where we have nothing better to do than "stand on guard for thee," we serve our turkey with Stuffing and Mashed Potatoes. We generally don't serve up sweet potatoes because they make us throw up. As in football, the Canadian Turkey is much bigger with sharper teeth and longer claws than the American bird. And, unlike the American Turkey, the claws of the Canadian bird carry a poison not unlike the poison of the Plains Meerkat. The meat of the Canadian turkey is also sweeter because they only eat low-bush pineapples. But once you get past that - it's good eating either way.

What does this have to do with technology? Well my friends, there have been new innovations in the manner in which a turkey can be cooked. Ovens can have a convection feature. In the old days it used to take a long time to cook a turkey. For example, a small, 25 pound turkey used to take the whole day to cook. You had to put the bird in the oven at 6 in the morning and it might be done by 4 pm in time for dinner. Now with convection ovens the whole process only takes 20 minutes (if you use the maunfacturers dialectic probe made from Corbomite). Another innovation is the deep fried version of turkey. Deep frying a turkey only takes 12 minutes - however, it does take another 3 hours to dowse the flames in your house when the frying oil overflows and comes into contact with the open flame.

Which Thanksgiving is the real one? Well, I'm afraid I have to side with my American cousins. You see, they invented it first because they also invented Pilgrims. We didn't get those in Canada until 1956 when the CRTC changed their regulations. Plus, they get Thursday & Friday off to watch football & go shopping - we just get Monday - not to watch football or go shopping . . .

Well, that's all for now in terms of cooking technology. Be sure to tune into next week's Blog:

"The Australian Toilet - Water Saver or Home Vasectomy Kit?"

Why Treo's Aren't that Good Either. . .

Greetings fellow Bloggers!

Thank-you for your feedback on my last article - Baboons: The German Shepherd of Monkeys - or Why I Don't Contribute to the Rhino Party Anymore . . .

After all of the dust had settled on the Blackberry - Treo issue - I went out and bought a Treo from a guy who lives in a van down by the river. It turns out that my Treo was a good purchase in the sense that it runs Office. It is also a decent phone too - except for when it calls people on its own. I've gotten calls at work to tell me to hang up my cell phone because it was tying up someone's phone line. The WiFi has pretty much been a bust too. I had to secretly order an SD memory card - only it wasn't a memory card - Nooooo comrades - it is radio antenna to pick up messages and send them back to Sputnik . . .

So do I wish I had bought a Blackberry back then - nope they were over-priced and short on features. Now they are getting longer on features - but are still grossly overpriced. I think I would rather have an overpriced Iphone instead . . .

One time I had this friend named Barry. He wasn't from here and couldn't figure out what those round haybales were for. But when he saw them wrapped in that white film he said those look like nabisco's. I told him he should take his Nabisco and shove it - well to be truthful - it wasn't actually my story - it was my friend Terry's story - but he died this summer - so maybe I inherited it. Oh ya, Barry was actually Terry's friend too - except that his name wasn't Barry. It's hard to keep track of stories - especially when you steal them . . .

Be sure to read next week's Blog: "The Belgian Canundrum - Good in Stews or Major Cause of Constipation . . . "

Blackberries & Sputnik . . .

Greetings fellow Bloggers!

Thank-you for your feedback on my last article - Coyotes: Off-key Balladeers of the Wilderness - or Wile E. Er Than We Thought . . .

After all of the dust had settled on the Blackberry - Treo issue - I went out and bought a Treo from a guy who lives in a van down by the river. It turns out that my Treo was a good purchase in the sense that it runs Office. It is also a decent phone too - except for when it calls people on its own. I've gotten calls at work to tell me to hang up my cell phone because it was tying up someone's phone line. The WiFi has pretty much been a bust too. I had to secretly order an SD memory card - only it wasn't a memory card - Nooooo comrades - it is radio antenna to pick up messages and send them back to Sputnik . . .

So do I wish I had bought a Blackberry back then - nope they were over-priced and short on features. Now they are getting longer on features - but are still grossly overpriced. I think I would rather have an overpriced Iphone instead . . .

One time I had this friend named Barry. He wasn't from here and couldn't figure out what those round haybales were for. But when he saw them wrapped in that white film he said those look like nabisco's. I told him he should take his Nabisco and shove it - well to be truthful - it wasn't actually my story - it was my friend Terry's story - but he died this summer - so maybe I inherited it. Oh ya, Barry was actually Terry's friend too - except that his name wasn't Barry. It's hard to keep track of stories - especially when you steal them . . .